- SO YOU'RE GONNA BE ON CRIBS? -
By CK ONE

Nervous about your first appearance on MTV's CRIBS? We've got a few pointers that will make your appearance memorable.

1. You don't eat, sleep or have sex, you "Get your eat/sleep/fuck on."

2. Whenever possible, end sentences with "at". Ex: "Dis where I make my babies at."

3. It's not a "room". It's an "area". Ex: "Dis here the pool area." or "Here go the kitchen area."

4. Cars & Trucks = Rides. Never call your ride a car.

5. 20's aren't denominations of currency, they are the rims on your ride. They must be blinged out. (See #6)

6. Things are not shiny. They are blinged out.

7. Your ride needs at least one Playstation and DVD player integrated into a seat back, visor, dashboard or all of the above.

8. They are not friends. They are dawgz.

9. On the day of taping, you must have a minimum of 8 to 10 dawgz kickin' it (See #11) in your pool, studio and theater areas.

10. One does not relax. One cheelz.

11. When you are "kickin' it", you are not playing soccer or angry at the dog, you are having a few friends over for drinks.

12. Consider trading a Lexy for a pit bull, Rottweiler or other menacing dog. Pure bred. Sure, you don't know what that means, but trust us, it matters.

13. Tattoos are a must. When choosing a tattoo, choose a design that evokes memories of someone you haven't seen in a great while like a dawg you lost or one of your children. Or, get one of your father...just kidding.

14. Remember, the only woman worthy of respect is your "Moms". All other women are hoochies and hos.

15. Build a sunken platinum basketball jersey humidor area.

16. During taping, try not to shoot any white chauffeurs. If you happen to shoot a white chauffeur, try to make your visitors accessories after the fact.

17. The proper "Crib Touring Stance" is to hold your right fist in your left hand and place both over your sternum. Hold your lips inside your mouth to evoke a placid and culturated demeanor.

18. You may own any or all existing video game systems other than a Nintendo, which is for bitches and kids. However, you may only own NFL or NBA themed video games. (No one has ever said "This is where I get my flight simulation on.")

19. If possible, breed or buy a chrome Rottweiler.

20. Fish tanks may only house piranhas or sharks (a.k.a. "The Rottweiler and Domerman (sic) of the Sea")

21. Remove all evidence of books, computers and cats from the residence prior to taping. (No one has ever said "Dis where my firs editions at." or "Dis where my cat gets it's poop on.")

22. Self portraits aren't only for corporate executives and historical figures. Remember, the bigger the portrait, the more respect it commands.

23. Two words: Black Lacquer

24. Keep the table in the formal dining area set at all times with gold, chrome and/or diamond flatware.

25. Make sure you have at least two large rooms/automobiles that "You ain't even go in/drove ever."

26. Bet on everything with your dawgz. Always win.

27. A pile of credit cards is not impressive. CASH ONLY!

28. When the MTV crew is leaving, be as rude as possible. Ex: "Now you've seen the crib, you best get to steppin."

29. Scarface.

30. Most importantly, do not get too attached to any of this. You will not have it in five years.