"Reports Of My Death..."

Have been somewhat exaggerated." So says former Beatle, George Harrison, responding to quotes attributed to former Beatles producer, George Martin, regarding his imminent demise. Martin also denies making the statements, saying "George is in great health and has been working on numerous projects, such as writing certain legal documents, buying a particularly small plot of land and getting in touch with loved ones he may not have spoken to in quite some time. You know, to tell them that he's feeling great." Harrison refused to comment on a rumor that the surviving Beatles have been working on one last track, a previously unreleased tape by John Lennon entitled We're Not At Home Right Now (Please Leave A Message).

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Two Down?

According to wire reports, the coolest living Beatle, George Harrison, is ready for death. Reportedly "gravely ill" with a brain tumor, Harrison has packed his mental and spiritual bags and is awaiting his final journey in comfort. Upon hearing the news, former Beatles drummer, Ringo Starr was quoted as saying "Damn! Looks like I dodged another one! Woo Hoo!" Sir Paul McCartney, could not be reached for comment as he is hard at work on a collaboration with Ricky Martin. God speed, George.

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Hair Today...

Increasingly irrelevant crooner, Sinead O'Connor, has single-handedly torpedoed the fledgling Wotopalava Tour days before it's maiden voyage. Citing "unforeseen family matters", O'Connor staged an eleventh-hour exit from the tour, forcing tour organizers to scramble for an appropriate replacement to headline the all-gay tour. Upon finding The Village People "too campy" and Tracy Chapman "unable to draw flies", organizers canceled the historic tour. Wotopalava would have been the third gay-themed summer mega-tour in recent history, behind Lilith Faire and OzzFest. The tour was to have featured O'Connor, The Pet Shop Boys, Rufus Wainwright, Soft Cell and Staind.

O'Connor first gained notoriety by shredding a photograph of the pope during an appearance on NBC's Saturday Night Live. O'Connor has since become a priest, a lesbian and a heterosexual married woman. No word on weather O'Connor plans to broaden her appeal beyond suicidal teenage girls and boho hipsters.

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Hello, My Name Is James.

Metallica frontman, James Hetfield, has checked himself into a rehab facility for treatment of "alcoholism and other addictions", the band recently acknowledged on their website. "We fully support James in his decision and wish him a speedy recovery so that we may continue to bring in vast piles of cash by the truckload." the site read. Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich, revealed Monday that the band plans to release a two-CD set of previously released material entitled "Whiskey In A Jar? No!" in honor of Hetfield's newfound sobriety. "I've got my eye on a real nice platinum cigar cutter!" said Ulrich. The album should be released in the Fall, followed by massive pirating and swapping on the Internet using countless Napster clones.

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Hello, My Name Is A.J.

The "Donny Wahlberg" position in the Backstreet Boys will be vacant for afew weeks, according to sources in the Boys camp. Group "tough guy", A.J. McLean has checked himself into a rehab facility for treatment of, you guessed it, "alcoholism and other addictions". In a statement released through their publicist, the Boys expressed support and concern for McLean. "We pray that our brother, A.J., gets the help he needs and we look forward to getting back in the studio as a group as soon as possible. We would also like to note that those N'Sync fags are too young and fruity to have someone in rehab. Ha ha! Homos!" The Boys also quashed rumors that they are rehearsing with McLean's older and butcher brother, B.J.

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