That Smell

Lynyrd Skynyrd bassist, Leon Wilkeson, died in his sleep Saturday night in a Florida hotel room. The cause of death is not known. Wilkeson, 49, was on a break from Skynyrd's current tour. Wilkeson's death further cements the band's position as the fourth most dangerous job in America, according to National Insurance Association spokesman Peter Riggins. "Only firefighters, construction workers and test pilots are more likely to suffer death or dismemberment on the job." said Riggins. "Being a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd leaves one open to all manner of misfortune including plane crashes, drug overdoses, car accidents and disease." Riggins continued. "Unfortunately, with literacy and employment rates in Skynyrd's home state of Florida plummeting, becoming a member of the band is the only viable employment option for many." The last remaining original members, Billy Powell and Gary Rossington, have called for sweeping safety reforms in the organization.

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Mariah Want To Be Alone

Pop diva Mariah Carey has been admitted to an undisclosed hospital for treatment for exhaustion, says a spokesperson for Carey. "She's not in any danger, really.", said an unnamed source. "It's just that she's under a great deal of pressure to constantly top her own accomplishments and it's becoming more and more difficult. Her management has figured out that the public has heard every note she can possibly sing at least four-hundred times. To make matters worse, they have seen all but 19 square inches of her existing skin. She went into the hospital to rest up for the coming two years." When asked if Carey's upcoming motion picture debut in Glitter would help propel her career into a new direction, the source said "She can't act. That movie is gonna bomb. She can't act, she can't write, hell, she can barely read. She's got a nice set of pipes and a nice set of tits, but that's about it.", the source said.

"Which brings up Mariah's new plan: Over the course of the next two years, Mariah plans to reveal the 19 square inches of flesh the public has yet to see. She plans to release albums named after each newly revealed body part. For example, in early 2002, she will release an album entitled Mariah: My Areole. Then, nine months later, she'll release Mariah: My Vagina, followed by Mariah: My Anus. Each album will be accompanied with a glossy book of photographs that show each part. This has never been done before by any star of her caliber and it should break all record and book sales. Let's see Whitney Houston's anus. It ain't gonna happen."

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How Many Is Wood?

Pearl Jam guitarist, Stone Gossard, recently told BillboardOnline that the band will be recording a new studio album "within the next six months." Gossard explained "Right now everybody in the band has about 30 or 40 songs they'd like to contribute to a new album and we're pretty stoked to get in the studio and record them." As yet untitled, the album will be the fifteenth or fourth studio album since their debut Ten. Asked if the band would be making videos for the album, Gossard said "We've been making videos ever since the album with the goat on it, I can't remember what it was called. MTV just doesn't play 'em." When asked if the band has been disappointed in the poor sales of their music when compared to their multi-platinum debut, Gossard replied "Sure, we're bummed, but you gotta keep on writing and trying to connect with people and blah blah blah. I'm just messin' with you, man. It totally sucks, but what do you expect when the whole world is listening to bullshit faggot pop? This new album will probably go wood."

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All You Need Is Leg

Two years after the death of his wife of 30 years, Linda, Sir Paul McCartney has found love once again. McCartney, 59, proposed to girlfriend of two years, Heather Mills, last week during a holiday. Mills, 33, is an activist for the disabled, having lost her leg seven years ago when a motorcycle struck her. McCartney responded to critics of the proposed union, stating "If I want to marry a right gear bird with only one stick, then I gotta flip flop on the droogly ding dong, dig?" McCartney added "I'm not getting any younger and, one or two legs, she's still a piece of ass." Mills' family supports the relationship fully. In a prepared statement to the press, Mills' parents said "We are delighted to welcome Paul into our family. We look forward to spending many Christmases, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Hanukahs, New Years, Chinese New Years, Valentines Days and Kwanzaas with him and our daughter so that we may exchange gifts of love."

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Right Next To The Herbal Speed

Smashmouth lead singer, "that guy who sings for Smashmouth" announced yesterday that he has co-founded a new record label with two other industry insiders and former Night Ranger frontman, Jack Blades, of all people. The label, called Spin-Out Records, will be one of the first to release straight to cutout bins in music stores, finer gas stations and truck stops. When asked about this novel marketing concept, T.G.W.S.F.S. said "Dude, let's face it, most of this shit is going to end up there eventually, right? I mean, who ever heard of Fuse or Soul Circle? It's all just this big tax thing my accountant and manager set up." Blades was surprised to hear T.G.W.S.F.S's comments, stating "Really? He said that? That sucks! I thought I was going to be able to move out of Tommy Shaw's basement!".

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