I Can Get Enough Of You, Baby

In a statement released Friday, the Motion Picture Association of America decreed that, effective immediately, all motion pictures released in the US and abroad must contain at least one Smashmouth song. Industry experts were not surprised. "The summer blockbuster season has been, frankly, a disappointment to us" said Miramax executive Joel Shapiro, "it seems the only films that are doing any respectable business are the teen comedy/sex romps. Naturally, these films all contain at least one Smashmouth song, usually I Can't Get Enough Of You, Baby. We feel this song somehow contributes to the success of these films and, call us superstitious, we don't want to mess with a good thing." This level of ubiquity of the song in film soundtracks has not been seen since the early nineties when Little Feat's Let It Roll was featured in nearly sixty-five percent of all domestic buddy/cop releases.

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It's Like Hendrix With No Accordion

Multimedia mogul, mother and millionaire, Madonna has been forced tocancel her August 3rd concert at Continental Airlines Arena in New Jersey due to laryngitis. "It's maddening" said one of the diva's many handlers, "she has devised a crude system of communication, much like Morse code, using an air horn. One prolonged blast means "Come here!" and two sharp blasts mean "Leave immediately!". Two short, followed by one long means "I need wiping!" and so on. It's been tough for all of us." The handler continued "It's not like she can't do the show. It's all on tape, honey. It's just that she won't be able to bark orders at us."

An impromptu shantytown has been erected on the grounds of Continental Arena and grief counselors have been dispatched to console the nearly five-thousand gay Latino males who had been camping out for the concert. "Honey, Madonna is fierce, with or without her voice! I just wish Paco and I could have seen her. It's our two month anniversary." said disappointed fan Ernesto Garcia.

The show will not be rescheduled, according to promoter Clear Channel Entertainment. Refunds will be available at the point of purchase, and online and telephone orders will be automatically refunded.

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The What, Now?

After much rumor and speculation among some people, apparently, Universal will be releasing Lost Boyz frontman Mr. Cheeks's solo album John P. Kelly in late September 2001.

John P. Kelly is expected to be a 15-song album loaded with collaborations between Cheeks and reggae artist Stephan Marley, Goodie MoB's Big Gipp, Horace Brown and producers Bink! and Easy Mo Bee, among others. Cheeks is expected to mine new territory on the album. "The first single will deal with the troubles of paying cash for a Yukon Denali and the difficulty of acquiring and maintaining a proper posse." said Cheeks. Universal spokesman, Joel Shapiro said of the album "Uh, yeah, we're all really excited for Freeky D or Chicky P or whatever his name is. We fully expect this album to be a blockbuster for the Hamptons, I mean, The Funky Bunch or who? I've got another call. Sorry."

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Trevor Horn Is Spinning In His Grave

Former music television network, MTV, turned twenty this week. Launched in1981, the network has been a cultural touchstone for millions. "I totally remember MTV's round-the-clock coverage of Live Aid back in '85," recalled thirty six year old Tower Records manager, Pete Colson, "it was awesome! Remember how Phil Collins played both the British and the American concerts in the same day by flying over on the Concorde? That was too cool." Thirty-two year old aspiring screenwriter, Trish McIlroy, remembered the glory days of MTV fondly. "We would totally spray our hair up real big and wear all these vintage dresses like Cindy Lauper. It was awesome. I guess we really did just want to have fun!"

Since its inception two decades ago, the network has steadily decreased the number of actual music videos it airs. Said Colson "They used to play hours of videos, but now when I turn it on, all they show are rapper dudes and dudes getting hit in the nuts with shopping carts. I don't get it. MTV just doesn't speak to me anymore. I do like that one show, MTV's Teen Dance Party Fun Beach House, though, because they have all these naked fourteen-year-old girls humping black guys."

When asked how she would be celebrating the anniversary, original VJ, Nina Blackwood, said "They're having some big live show where they're going to trot us out in front of a bunch of kids who don't know who we are, then clear us out before Jennifer Lopez and her entourage get there. I guess she doesn't want people looking at her or something." Also participating in the celebration will be former VJ, Lyle Troyer. Troyer recalled his days on the network: "I was on for about three weeks in '87. I got to interview Helix once."

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Issues, Indeed

Korn singer, Jonathon Davis has contributed vocals to a track off of Deadsy's sophomore release Commencement. Davis recorded the track while on a break from recording of Korn's fifth album My Mom Made Me Wear Husky Jeans. Deadsy features Elijah P. Exeter (a.k.a. Elijah Blue Allman, son of Cher and Gregg Allman). Deadsy's album was originally recorded in 1999 but was held back due to what label execs call "extreme suckiness". The album is now slated for release in early 2002 on the Dreamworks label. Davis was excited about the project, stating "I finally met someone more fucked up than I am. I mean, c'mon, Cher? Gregg Allman? This guy shaves his eyebrows, snorts FreshStep and walks around with a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle up his ass!"

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