Colossal Booking Snafu Lands "The Wrong Robert Smith" in Vikings Camp

Recent shake-ups at Interscope Records' Artists Management affiliate and Starter Sports Agency Unlimited set in motion an unprecedented turn of events last week, which landed "The Cure" frontman Robert Smith in the NFL's Minnesota Vikings training camp. Sources close to Starter claim that nepotistic hiring practices and general incompetence lead to the seminal, crossover-Goth-popster's identity being confused with that of the recently retired All-Pro Tailback with an identical moniker. When asked to comment on the "Freaky Friday-like switcheroo", Interscope V.P. Jeremy Snodgrass replied, "What the fuck was his agent thinking when he signed that contract?!? Just look at this!! 25 million dollars for a series of sixteen Sunday shows, with performance incentives, endorsement deals, and bonus money for 'playoffs'. Damn it! That really should have raised a red flag. Oh, somebody's getting fired for this! Did they even read the tour schedule?", Snodgrass screamed before he quipped sarcastically, "Hmmm, let's see, Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Green Bay, Tampa Bay, Minneapolis, Detroit Minneapolis. I mean… HELLO?!?" Regardless, the oddly-coiffed, British crooner participated in five days worth of preseason two-a-day practices with the Vikings squad before Interscope's lawyers were able to nullify the contract.

When asked about the Rock Star's performance during training camp, Vikings Head Coach Dennis Green cheerfully retorted, "Robert's a fine athlete, and a pleasure to work with. His presence really lifted the team's spirits after Corey's (Springer - Offensive Tackle) tragic passing. Emotions have been running high around here lately, and I remember this one day when Daunte (Culpepper - Quarterback) was kind of getting choked up during practice. Robert walked right up to him, smacked him across the face and said, 'Hey. Boys Don't Cry!' It was just what the doctor ordered."

Running Back Coach Carl Hargrave elaborated, "Bobby's not one of the fastest Tailbacks, I've ever seen, but man, can that guy block! Before his first day of practice, some of the guys were giving him guff about his hair and lipstick, but after this one hit he put on (Kailee) Wong (Linebacker), they really considered him part of the team." Hargrave added, "I tell you what. If he brings his forty (yard dash) time down in the off season, he'll be a force to reckon with in the NFL."

When asked what he thought of his newfound jock status, Smith replied, "Being a Pro Football player for a week was 'onestly one of the most interesting experiences of my life. I'll miss the blokes on the team and the coaches, terribly. Also, I'm a right bit sad that I must go before Sunday's (preseason) game against Indianapolis, but making depressingly-romantic music is my true calling." An uncharacteristically jovial Smith went on to say, "Any rate, I don't fancy m'self nancing about in purple and yellow knickers for the rest of my career. An' that wanker John Randle keeps using up all m' eye makeup." The Mope-Rocker then proceeded to snap the nearby nude Randle across the buttocks with a wet, rolled-up towel, eliciting cheers and laughter from the remainder of his teammates, as well as a high five from All-Pro receiver Randy Moss.

In related news, Vikings owner Red McCombs announced that "Rock n' Roll Part 2" by pedophile Glam rocker Gary Glitter, will be replaced by The Cure's "The Hanging Garden" during all Vikings games at The Metrodome. The controversial decision has sparked outrage by Minnesota sports fans, and NAMBLA members alike. However, McCombs justifies his decision as such, "Hey, 'The Hanging Garden' might not be as peppy or instantly recognizable as 'Rock n' Roll Part 2', but at least Robert doesn't whack off to pictures of little kids."

-RRC Sports Analyst - Rev. J. Gunn

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"Whores!", Swore Poor Bore.

East Lansing record shop owner, Scott Reinstadt, declared local artists King Dong to be "sellouts" before they released so much as a note. King Dong founder, Brian Fister, refutes Reinstadt's claim, saying "We haven't even practiced together yet. In fact, we're still looking for a bass player." As the owner of the campus mainstay "Chilly's Records and Stuff", Reinstadt feels "uniquely qualified to pass judgment on these corporate whore wanna-be bands around here. Fister came in last week to hang up a "Bass Player Wanted" flyer and I told him to take his sellout ass over to Tower, where he belonged."

"I don't remember him saying anything" says Fister "But when I stopped by the next day to check if anyone had torn off any of the numbers, the flyer was gone."

To many students on campus, Reinstadt is known as a curmudgeon. "Whenever you try to sell CDs there he always scoffs at everything you bring in, like it's beneath him to even touch 'em." said student Jeremy Pinson "Plus, he's like, forty, his breath always smells like stale beer and he always wears the same Pavement t-shirt and ratty Chuck Taylors."

"Look, I have no interest in fattening the wallets of those fascist executives at Dreamworks or AOL/Time Warner or whatever" says Reinstadt "I can make a perfectly good living selling real music to real music fans. Take this seven inch split single by Peabody and UltraFag, this is good music. Well, it's not as good as their first single, but it's still pretty good. It's a little too mainstream-sounding for my taste, but still better than any of that bullshit, button-down crap you find in Alternative Press."

"That guy is a dick." Said Fister "Used to be, if a band even recorded in a studio instead of their basement, he'd slag it like they were whoring for the man or some shit. He's gotten to the point where he hates bands before they even exist! What a tool!"

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His Headstone Will Read "Doo Doo Doot Doo Doo Doo"

According to frontman Stephen Jenkins, Third Eye Blind have been busy writing and preparing for the band's next record. Jenkins says they have over 40 songs to record when the group starts work on the album next month. Jenkins wrote most of the material in the last year while in a "deep depression". While Jenkins refused to comment on the cause of the depression, an anonymous source attributed the rut to several things. "Well, for one thing, Stephen got dumped by Charlize Thieron, who is a total piece of ass. Then, his mortal enemies, Matchbox 20, sold like, 80 gazillion records after he badmouthed Rob Thomas all over the place. Eating a whole giant-ass plate of crow can make anybody depressed. Not only that, but he realizes now that his music is total triple-A craprock made to be cranked in SUVs when their sales executive fans want to "rock out" You'd be depressed, too."

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How About "MC Helping Hand"?

Rap mogul Master P's brother, C-Murder, has turned himself in to authorities in Baton Rouge, Louisiana to answer charges of attempted murder and illegal use of a weapon. Murder, whose real name is Corey Miller, allegedly fired shots outside a nightclub after the club's owner would not admit him without being searched. Naturally, Murder's attorneys are denying all charges.

The irony of the charges against Murder has not been lost on some rappers. New York rappers, MC Attempted Rape and DJ Felonious Assault, said they "may be thinking about changing their rap name to something like "Big Poppa Charity Work and DJ Homebody" or "Lucky Charms and Froot Brute"

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Crap + Crap = Crap

Teen idols N*Sync are giving back to the institution of teen pop by taking 80's dreck purveyor Deborah Gibson out on a series of dates. Formerly known as Debbie Gibson, the all-grown-up Deborah will be opening six shows for the mega-popstars, starting last night in Indianapolis. Gibson is currently staging a comeback of sorts to the world of teen pop. "It was actually my mom's idea" said Gibson. Gibson's mother is also her manager. "She wanted to get me out in front of the hottest act on the road right now. Talks with the Ozzfest people broke down, so we went after the next best thing." Gibson will be performing a mercifully short twenty-minute set which will include a medley of her hits Shake Your Love, Electric Youth, Lost In Your Eyes, and Cherry Bomb.

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