Another One Bites The Angel Dust

Another singer has fallen victim to "exhaustion". This time, it was once popular singer Bobby Brown, who happens to also be the husband of another "exhaustion" prone star, Whitney Houston. According to Brown's publicist, Nancy "Pay Me And I'll Lie For You" Steltzer, Brown collapsed and suffered a seizure in his home studio Wednesday night. "He was literally working nonstop for three to four days recording his new album. He was getting in the groove...he hadn't been getting enough fluid and basically he was lightheaded." lied Steltzer, euphemistically explaining Brown's four-day crack binge. According to hospital sources, the singer refused urinalysis and a blood test when taken to the emergency room at Morristown Memorial Hospital in New Jersey. "He was feeling fine and didn't feel the tests were necessary." said Steltzer, darting her eyes nervously around the room, shuffling her feet and perspiring profusely.

<Back to top>

Look What The Ambulance Dragged In

Poison bassist, Bobby Dall, was rushed to a Nebraska hospital on August 5th to undergo an "anterior cervical diskectomy with allograft fusion". "It means he fucked up his back rocking out, man!" said the group's guitarist, C.C. DeVille. DeVille suffered a similar injury recently when he attempted to perfom fellatio on himself. During DeVille's lengthy recovery period, Poison recruited the services of guitarist Gary Richrath, formerly of REO Speedwagon. "Gary was the only guy we knew who played as shitty as C.C." said vocalist and frontman Brett Michaels. As a result of Dall's injury, however, Poison has been forced to cancel the remaining dates of their "Mullets, Music and Muscle Shirts" Tour. According to the band, ticketholders will be able to return their tickets for a pile of dogshit.

<Back to top>

Don't Bother Unpacking, Marion

Felon/former NFL player/film producer and CEO of Death Row records, Marion "Suge" Knight, was released from an Oregon prison Monday night. Immediately after his release, Knight flew to Los Angeles where he treated himself to "Dairy Queen, a good cigar and a wet orifice that wasn't connected to a man, for a change." Knight had been in prison since 1996 for a probation violation. In an interview conducted just days prior to his release, Knight made clear his intentions to "settle some scores" with former Death Row recording artist Snoop Dogg and longtime enemy Sean "Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Mouth Breather" Combs. Said Knight "It's gonna be like the Wild West when I get out." Given the many corrupt L.A. policemen and gangsters on the Death Row payroll, his short temper, thirst for revenge and IQ of a fourth-grader, legal experts predict Knight will be back in prison by Christmas.

<Back to top>

When You Wanna Suck A Two-Inch

Limp Bizkit have recorded a version of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's Relax for the soundtrack of Ben Stiller's new film, Zoolander. "It's not really a cover version" says the track's producer, BT, "You'll know what I mean when you hear it." FGTH founder, Holly Johnson, praised Bizkit and their choice. "I think it's positively delicious that closeted rough trade like that lot decided to record our tune." said Johnson. "If I were twenty years younger, I'd make sure their bizkits weren't limp." The other guy from FGTH, the one who wore the little black baseball hat, could not be reached for comment.

<Back to top>

RRC Special Report - Who Will Save Our Celebs?

News of pop diva-Mariah Carey's hospitalization this week served as a grim reminder of an all-too-common affliction plaguing the world's entertainers: Exhaustion.

Early this week, Carey was admitted to an undisclosed hospital for treatment of "extreme exhaustion" after leaving a series of bizarre and rambling messages on her official website. Reports on Carey's condition prior to her admittance have varied wildly, telling of a thwarted suicide attempt, drug abuse and depression. These reports are largely rumor.

Carey has become another in a long line of entertainers struck down by this mysterious and insidious condition. Recent victims include pop-singer Brandy, comedic actor Martin Lawrence, country singer Leann Rhimes, former lesbian and actress Anne Heche and Carey's fellow diva, Whitney Houston.

"We're seeing more and more of these cases come through our doors", said prominent Beverly Hills physician and exhaustion specialist, Dr. Joel Gunn, "and we don't see any sign of it slowing down, unfortunately. As long as the nation as a whole has an almost insatiable hunger for entertainment, our performers will continue to pay the price with their bodies and minds." Efforts to isolate a particular cause of exhaustion have been fruitless, for the most part. "We have narrowed our research in a few different directions" said Gunn. "One possible cause is a pathogen in the bloodstream that fights the red blood cells of the host. The host in this case was television's Matthew Perry. It seems Mr. Perry had this pathogen in his bloodstream in great numbers, up to one hundred times greater than a normal man of his age. While we do not know specifically how Perry contracted this "rogue cell", if you will, we do have a few theories."

"You see, when a person reaches the stature of a Matthew Perry or a Mariah Carey, that person begins to change mentally. As modern medicine is now aware, mental changes can play a significant role in causing physical changes. The patient is often adored by millions and, as a result, is lavished with gifts and money. This showering of affection often results in an inflated sense of self-worth and importance, which then triggers a release of serotonin in the brain. Normal people enjoy healthy doses of serotonin, a chemical found in the circuitry of the brain, while enjoying a fine meal or a walk through a garden. In small doses, this minute increase in the chemical is harmless, but in cases like Carey or Perry's, we are seeing serotonin levels that are well off the scale. We feel that this increased serotonin level somehow either creates the pathogen or awakens it from a dormant state. In Perry's case, he saw himself as a God, capable of creating and destroying life. The mental side-effects can be crippling, but when you combine these with the physical effects of delusions of self-importance, we begin to see a rise in the exhaustion causing pathogens, or "Famousites" as we call them. In the latter stages of exhaustion, the celebrity is often so debilitated, they may barely be able to take lunch meetings or talk on their wireless telephones, much less endure the rigors of a one and a half hour concert or three-hour television taping. Only in the past few weeks have we been able to observe these Famousites in a laboratory environment. We have much to learn yet."

"Ridiculous!" Dr. Gordon Kemp of the prestigious Johns Hopkins Institute said of Dr. Gunn's findings. "When Whitney Houston cancels her fourth concert in a row, do you honestly think she is crawling with some pathogenic blood cell? I should think not. She is most likely suffering from common withdrawal symptoms associated with crack addiction, plain and simple. When you come home and find Anne Heche babbling in your bushes, she doesn't need a blood test, she needs a breathalyzer test. Where is this diagnosis when a coal miner complains of fatigue? Why are athletes not rushed to the hospital by the truckload after every event, suffering from this condition? Quite simply it is a "pretend" illness, made up by publicists and "Doctors" of dubious accreditation to cover for real illnesses like drug and alcohol addiction, pedophilia, kleptomania and general sociopathic disorders." Dr. Kemp continued "You never heard of Perry Como or Mario Lanza going to the hospital for exhaustion. What about actors like Buddy Ebsen or Karen Valentine?"

Fact or farce, the numbers do not lie. Exhaustion is on the rise among America's rich and famous and laying waste to the entertainment community. Unless we raise awareness and funding for research, our children may be left without leisure-time entertainment and, more importantly, an industry into which they can dump their considerable discretionary income dollars.

<Back to top>

- More News -