What,
No "Walk Like A Camel"?
 In
the wake of the terrorist attacks, Clear Channel, owner of nearly
1180 radio stations countrywide, has banned a large list of songs
from its airwaves in the wake of last week's terrorist attacks.
Songs containing such words as "Tuesday", "Fire"
and "War" are among the banned tunes. The list also includes
such inexplicable head-scratchers as Ob La Di, Ob La Da by
The Beatles and Louis Armstrong's What A Wonderful World.
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Big
Ups To My Peeps In Da Tents, Yo!
 In
a speech to reporters yesterday, President Bush
said that terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden was Wanted Dead Or
Alive. The statement sent thousands of trembling classic rock
radio interns scrambling to add soundbites to the Bon Jovi hit of
the same name.
Taliban
officials in Afghanistan released a statement shortly after the
President's speech, saying Hit Me With Your Best Shot. That
statement then sent thousands of trembling classic rock radio interns
scrambling to add soundbites to the Pat Benatar hit of the same
name.
 Upon
hearing the Taliban announcement, Secretary of State, Colin Powell
told reporters that Afghanistan was on a Highway To Hell,
prompting thousands of trembling classic rock radio interns scrambling
to add soundbites to the AC/DC hit of the same name.
Hours
after Powell's statement, Muslim extremist Abdullah Al Hasid told
London's Sun newspaper that I Wanna Dance With Somebody.
The statement prompted thousands of trembling top forty radio interns
to add soundbites to the Whitney Houston hit of the same name.
 Secretary
of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, responded to Hasid's statement from
the Pentagon, saying the United States would make Bin Laden sing
The Theme From The Rockford Files, prompting thousands of
morning show interns to add soundbites to the Mike Post hit of the
same name.
Many
radio interns have decided to simultaneously broadcast CNN and music
in order to lessen the "tribute song" work load.
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Whitney
Crack Whore, And I Don't Care!
 Audience
members were stunned at the appearance of Whitney Houston at the
Michael Jackson Celebrity Freakshow (see below) last Friday night.
Houston appeared gaunt and "skeletal" according to the
New York Post. (Click image at left for larger picture.)
Amid
whispers of drug use, Houston's appearance did nothing to quell
rumors. The event was filmed by CBS for broadcast later this year.
One CBS staffer said of Houston's appearance, "I don't think
we can use the footage."
Houston's
husband, Bobby Brown was briefly hospitalized for "lightheadedness"
less than a month ago, but quickly left the hospital when he learned
that blood and urine tests would be administered.
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What
A Long Strange Trip It's Been
 In
other freakshow news, Michael Jackson performed in the first of
a series of tribute concerts at New York's Madison Square Garden
on Friday. Officially entitled "Michael Jackson, 30th Anniversary
Celebration, The Solo Years", the concert should have been
called "Michael Gets Jacked On By A Coterie Of Increasingly
Freakish Admirers" Featured "entertainers" included
Mya, Usher, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Liza Minnelli, Marlon Brando,
Slash, Whitney Houston and the Jackson Five.
The
concert was stalled on numerous occasions by long pauses between
acts. After one such pause, Marlon Brando appeared reclining on
a leather couch. After introducing himself, Brando then said "In
any event while your...wondering who that old fat fart is sitting
there...I wanted you to realize that in that minute there were hundreds
if not thousands of children hacked to death with a machete, beaten
to death by their parents, got typhus and died of a disease."
Handlers then rushed Brando offstage before he could take his pants
off or make any inappropriate references to children being molested.
Jackson
himself did not perform until well after the halfway mark of the
five-hour-plus concert. First joining his brothers onstage for a
Jackson Five reunion run-through of their Motown hits, then performing
carbon copies of his well-known videos such as The Way You Make
Me Feel, which featured Spears in the role of the skinny chick
from the video. Jackson wowed the crowd with a step-by-step reproduction
of his famous Billie Jean performance from the Motown 25
celebration.
In
attendance were such glitterati as Dionne Warwick, Denise Rich,
Ann Miller, Petula Clark, Gloria Estefan, Kenny Rogers, Gallagher,
The Hudson Brothers, Mickey Gilly, Pink Lady, Rosie Grier, Lawrence
Hilton Jacobs and the reanimated corpse of Doug Henning.
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Pretty
On The Outside
 Courtney
Love has lost half of her fledgling "back-to-basics" punk
band, Bastard. Guitarist Louise Post, formerly and currently of
the band Veruca Salt, announced she has left the group but wishes
Love "All the best." Also leaving the group is fire-breathing
Amazon bassist, Corey Parks, formerly of Nashville Pussy. Parks
could not be reached for comment.
Love's
regular gig as the leader of Hole is on hold due to a label dispute
and the fact that Love is incapable of writing material without
outside assistance. According to Love, she formed Bastard as a "way
to get back to my punk-rock roots and just play some rock and roll."
Insiders
speculate that Bastard was merely a way for Love to remain in the
headlines while her band is on hiatus.
Love
reportedly required the members of Bastard to "clean themselves
up", attend several fashion shows with her and hob-knob with
the hoi polloi. She became increasingly demanding as the weeks wore
on, once requiring Parks, Post and drummer Patty Schmeil to carry
her handbag, daughter and stash, respectively, to a film premiere.
In
a series of incoherent posts to the Hole.com message boards, Love
attempted to deflect the blame of the departures on the departed,
saying "ther is so muxch youguyss dont know about what wnet
on, but ill keeo it to myself until later when I can sepak my mind!!!!!!!11
don tbeleivee ever t hing you red!11"
Post
has returned to Veruca Salt and Parks is reportedly looking for
an inch of flesh on her body that hasn't been tattooed yet.
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