Who Cares?

Singer Britney Spears has been busy doing stuff. They have been busy since three or four years ago when they started doing entertainment and dancing and things. The pair (seen in photo) first appeared in the video where they were in a schoolgirl outfit back a couple years ago. Then, they got more popular and chicks got mad at them for being all hot, but they were probably fat pigs. Now, they're on the cover of magazines and in videos and HBO. One of the guys in N*Sync gets to feel 'em. Fucker. Um...even though Spears is supposed to be all hot, she actually looks kind of weird. Her torso is all long and she's got stubby legs. Industry insiders agree, however, that she's got a "righteous rack" and a "sweet ass". So, basically who cares what she does. Just look at the picture.

<Back to top>

Crazy Brain

Metal pioneer, Ozzy Osbourne, suffered a stress fracture of the leg while stepping out of the shower two weeks ago. Osbourne continued to tour for a week after the injury, apparently unaware of the severity of the fracture. Doctors are baffled as to how the rocker could function with such an injury. "Ozzy must have an incredible threshold for pain" said one doctor "any normal person would be writhing in agony after walking on a fractured leg. We can't understand what could be blocking Osbourne's neuro-receptors to the point where he is impervious to pain." Osbourne reportedly slipped in the shower while trying to retrieve his liver and gall bladder, which had fallen out of his prolapsed rectum onto the slick tile floor. When reached for comment, Osbourne mumbled unintelligibly for several minutes then handing the telephone to his wife.

<Back to top>

The End Of An Era, Kinda.

Though there has yet to be a formal announcement made, sources in the know insist that The Spice Girls have ceased to be. "The girls haven't even been in the same room for months." said one source "Mel B. (Scary) and Victoria (Posh) haven't been on speaking terms since Mel called Vic a cow." Scary has reportedly been upset since being dropped by her label as a solo artist. "Mel is angry with Emma (Baby) for not supporting her in her time of need." the source said.

The Spice Girls were one of the few inexplicably popular acts from the U.K. to become popular on this side of the Atlantic, hitting the top ten with their first single Wanna Be and selling millions of copies of their first album. Their popularity began to wane, however, once they stopped showing their nipples as much and decided to have babies and shit. Oh, and when the redhead with the rack quit, that sucked.

<Back to top>

Macy Gray's Love, On The Other Hand, Costs A Doobie.

Choreographer and hunky lummox, Chris Something-or-other became one of the luckiest men alive recently when he married Jennifer Lopez a.k.a. J-Lo. When asked by reporters what it felt like to be married to one of the hottest women in the world, Something-or-other replied "Well, you know her song My Love Don't Cost A Thing? That's bullshit. Her love costs a fucking truckload and then some, bro. I just lucked out because she was rebounding from P Diddy and I've got a monster hawg."

Something-or-other reportedly signed an ironclad prenuptial agreement prior to marrying Lo. "Yeah, if I bail, I only get, like, a couple hundred thousand dollars, but the way I look at it, I get to tap dat ass. If I ever get sick of it, I get a little cash for my troubles. Beats the shit out of that guy who Jay-Z stabbed, I mean, I get to fuck J-Lo for my money. That dude had to get stabbed."

<Back to top>

How Much To Stab A Guy? 600K!

Rap impresario Jay-Z pled guilty last week to a misdemeanor assault charge stemming from a December, 1999 incident in which the rapper stabbed producer Lance Riviera. The rapper will receive a three-year probation sentence.

Riviera stopped cooperating with prosecutors after the rapper, whose real name is Shawn Carter, paid him $600,000. Had the charges gone to trial, and the rapper found guilty, he could have received a maximum sentence of 15 years in prison.

Prosecutors said: "The victim... told [prosecutors] that money he had received from Carter pursuant to the threatened lawsuit adequately compensated him for the stabbing."
Upon hearing of Carter's sentencing, inmate Floyd Raymonds was quoted as saying "Ain't this a bitch!" Raymonds is currently serving 15 years for felony assault.

<Back to top>

- More News -