Rock And Roll Confidential | Your Band Sucks

The College Music Journal and the Catholic Church have declared actress Winona Ryder the official patron saint of indie rock. A brief press conference was held in the New York City office of CMJ by Cardinal Edward Egan of the New York Archdiocese and CMJ publisher Robert Haber. Cardinal Egan lauded Ryder for her "continued support of underground music dating back to the late 80's." Haber explained that "Ryder has served as a valuable bridge from the underground to the mainstream for countless artists including Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum, Paul Westerberg of The Replacements, singer-songwriter Ryan Adams and currently, Julian Casablancas of The Strokes, to name just a few. With the aid of her considerable fortune, she has supported many artists and performed a service from which we have all benefited. Through her tireless efforts, we have heard music we might not have heard."

Of the appointment, the winsome actress said "I am extremely honored to be given this sainthood. I have always been a fan of indie-rock and have tried to contribute in my own way. It hasn't been easy. I am only human and have made many mistakes along the way. My brief dalliance with Chris Barron of The Spin Doctors, my weekend with that guy from the Gin Blossoms, my bisexual tryst with Poe…all mistakes. I rolled the dice and lost. I like to think of those missteps as stones on the pathway to a higher enlightenment and hopefully, when all my deeds are tallied, I will have done more good than harm."

With this appointment, Ryder joins Cher, patron saint of Classic Rock, Cheryl Crow, patron saint of Triple-A, Pamela Anderson, patron saint of Butt-Rock and Lil' Kim, patron saint of Hip-Hop in the canon of musical patron saints.

Axl's F'ed

Axl Rose Axl Rose has announced that Guns & Roses will be playing its fourth show in eight years on New Year's Eve this year. The show will be held at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas. "We've been in the studio so long, it's time to release some pent-up energy." Said Rose. "We had such a good time playing the Hard Rock last year that we decided to do it again."

Rose also announced the new G&R line-up, stating "This is a group of guys who will stick with this project. No more "revolving doors" in G & R." According to Rose, the group now consists of Rose, guitarists Steve Stevens and Steve Vai, bassist Billy Sheehan, drummer Kenny Aronoff and keyboardist Bruce Hornsby. "This line-up is rock solid." Said Rose.

When asked if this group would tour behind the long-awaited release Chinese Democracy, Rose said "We're definitely going to hit the road once the album is released. We're calling it the Crappy New Year Tour - 2002, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. We'll be playing at the Hard Rock for the next six New Year's Eves."

The three members of the Grammy-winning R&B act Destiny's Child are parting ways for the near future, they said in a television interview aired Wednesday. An anonymous source at MTV subsidiary VH-1, RCC has confirmed that the Destiny's Child episode of "Where Are They Now?" is already in post-production.

"Those bitches always be tryin' to upstage my ass, and I ain't havin' none of that bullshit, you know what I'm sayin'," The-Hot-Blonde-One told cable network E! Entertainment Television in an interview conducted last week. "Wait. Cut! Let me start over. Three, two, one, action. Destiny's Child put out four albums in four years, which is unbelievable. Our label's teams of songwriters, studio-musicians, back up singers, engineers, producers, marketing experts, publicists, rack-jobbers, street-team members, choreographers, label reps, booty plumpers, personal stylists and hair-weave technicians have been working nonstop. So I think Destiny's Child is gonna take a little break."

Before being distracted by her reflection in a nearby mirror she added, "Anyway, that one intern who was getting paid minimum wage to spend 16 hours a day running our studio outtakes through Pro-Tools TM had a nervous breakdown, or something."

Destiny's Child -- comprising The Hot Blonde One, The Tall One with the Nice Rack, and The Other One -- has become a dominant pop music force since the spring of 2000, according to their PR team

Asked when they would regroup, The Tall One with the Nice Rack said there was no timetable. "You know how the Beatles broke off -- they all did their solo projects and they came back together and they were even stronger." she said, without a trace of irony.

Metallica lead singer, and Cowardly Lion stunt-double James Hetfield has left the rehabilitation facility where he had been receiving treatment for alcohol, cocaine, amphetamine, Prozac, Valium and nasal-decongestant abuse since July, a spokeswoman for the pop metal band said Tuesday.

The publicist confirmed a report appearing on the band's official Web site that Hetfield's recovery was going well and he was feeling good about life. In a recent interview from his 10-acre Beverly Hills estate, the "newly-sober" Hetfield elaborated. "My rough road has become smoother reading the show of support from the friends I've met through Metallica," he stated in an intentionally-comedic sedated voice whilst making the universal symbol for "jacking off" with his left hand, and popping open a Heinekin with his right. "My music and lyrics have always been therapy for me. Without this God-given gift I don't know where I'd be," he added before crumpling into bandmate Kirk Hammet's shoulder in a fit of uncontrolled laughter. Hammet remained silent, but smiled briefly before lighting a $500 Cuban cigar with a thousand-dollar bill.

Hetfield, 38, checked his liver, 78, into an undisclosed rehab facility during the summer to undergo treatment for alcoholism and other "unspecified injectable, opiate derivative addictions", forcing the band to postpone recording sessions for its latest album. The spokeswoman said the band has not yet decided when to restart work on the album. Metallica's label, WEA/Elektra, issued the following statement in a recent press release: "Who cares when they start the album? Every mullet-sportin', acid wash jean-wearin', NASCAR-watchin', whole case of Milwaukee's Best-drinkin,' Calvin-pissing-on-the-Chevy-logo-sticker-on-the-back-of-their-truck-havin', knuckle-draggin', trogloditic yay-hoo on the planet will buy a copy the day it's released. This is the lowest common denominator, people! Money in the bank! We at WEA/Elektra want to take this opportunity to assure you that shareholder value will continue to rise. And that's really what Metallica's all about; the shareholders."

Rock star turned huckster Gene Simmons is reportedly in talks to bring the KISS story to the Great White Way. Simmons says he will be meeting with Broadway producers and writers in the coming weeks to explore the possibility of a KISS musical. Simmons says the band will, most likely, not appear, in spite of singer Paul Stanley's love of musical theater.

Simmons is also launching a magazine called Gene Simmons' Tongue, which Simmons describes as "all the best things about Rolling Stone, Maxim and Playboy rolled in to one magazine." The magazine will feature nubile scantily clad women surrounding lecherous creepy old men such as Simmons, Hugh Hefner, Tony Curtis, Bill Maher and Donald Trump. Companies are lining up to place ads in the magazine, according to Simmons. "We've had a lot of interest from advertisers who want to speak to our target demographic, like Viagra, Propecia, Rogaine, Porsche, Sta-Hard, Geritol and Consolidated Ascots."