Rock And Roll Confidential | Your Band Sucks

Activist and shrinking violet Rev.Al Sharpton has inexplicably teamed up with the equally timid lawyer and M.C. Johnny Cochran to form National Action Network, the pair announced at a press conference Wednesday morning.

NAN aims to protect the rights of recording artists “so that their careers and family are safeguarded” said Sharpton. “If they’re not treated right, we’re going to fight.” said Cochran.

NAN joins a growing fight being waged by artists such as Don Henley, Sheryl Crow and Courtney Love against record label practices.

Sharpton announced that the new group would seek to change “the relationship between major recording companies and artists, much like the free-agency market in sports.” When asked to whom they would be giving aid, Cochran stated “If you’re a millionaire artist, then I’m your guy. Just a garage band? Do not apply!”

Papa Don't Speak (Intelligibly, Anyway)

Everyone’s favorite Rock & Roll daughter, Kelly Osbourne, is recording an album. Fresh off a performance of “Papa Don’t Preach” at the MTV Movie Awards, Osbourne will begin work on her solo debut next month in New York. The album won’t hit store shelves until 2003.

Eager to cash in on the success of The Osbournes, record companies have been hounding the scion of many a recording star. This Xmas, look for releases from Craig Coverdale, Desiree Hammer, Cindy Ramone and oddly, Freddie Mercury Jr.

Insert Uranus Joke Here.

N*Sync member Lance Bass is getting closer to his goal of going into space aboard a Russian Soyuz rocket. Bass recently underwent minor surgery to correct an irregular heartbeat and has reportedly met all of the stringent health requirements set out by the Soviet Space Agency. The Russian space program has begun taking “donations” of 20 million dollars to ride their rockets. Bass’s trip is being sponsored, in part by RadioShack.

Agency sources say that some Cosmonauts are uneasy about taking Bass on a prolonged journey. One Cosmonaut, who wished to remain anonymous, said through an interpreter “We have no desire to bring little girl man with us. We are serious men and wish to not be dropping soap around such a behind liking ladyboy person.”

More than two dozen people were injured in a stampede at this year’s annual HFStival in Washington D.C. last week. The injuries occurred during rapper Eminem’s performance. While it remains unclear if the stampede was toward or away from the stage, most of the injuries were minor and treated at the scene. One man, the victim of a heart attack, remains in critical condition at a local hospital.

Ryan Cosgrove, a seventeen-year old from nearby Bethesda, MD witnessed the rush. “Yo, it was hype, yo! I wuz chillin’ wif my dawgz up in da stands when all dese peeps be runnin’. I broke out, yo.” said Cosgrove before being punched in the mouth by another concert attendee.

Spin editor-in-chief, Alan Light has left the struggling magazine to start another music magazine "for grown-ups." Spin has seen a significant drop in ad revenues in the last year due increased competition from magazines such as Maxim, Stuff, Blender, FHM and even Rolling Stone. An inside source at the magazine says "We simply cannot compete with a magazine that features music news and tits and ass. After all, our content is pretty much the same thing, week in and week out: Here's another bunch of bedheaded skinny dudes in tight pants and old-school baseball shirts that you've never heard of. Here's some DJ dude from Helsinki that you've never heard of. Here's a piece on the underground scene in Tajikistan that you've never heard of. And right next to it on the racks is Maxim with the chick from Dark Angel in a bikini. I mean, it doesn't take a genius, ya know?"

Taking over the editorial reins at the magazine will be some chick with thick-framed glasses and a penchant for vintage clothing.