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Thank
Heaven For Little...
 Alleged
kid-toucher R. Kelly released a public plea for understanding in
the form of a song entitled “Heaven, I Need A Hug”.
Originally part of Kelly’s unreleased album “LoveLand”,
“Heaven” was written in response to allegations that
Kelly had engaged in lewd acts with minors. In the song, Kelly sings
“Heaven, I need a hug / Is there anybody out there willing
to embrace a thug?”
Sources
close to the Kelly camp report that the “Heaven” in
the song refers to the Kingdom of God and not a young girl named
Heaven, as previously speculated by the press.
The
lyrics go on to say “I gave 13 years of my life to this industry/
When the truth comes out you will all see / I’ve asked for
nothing in return / Except mansions and cars and money to burn.”
“The
man in the video may look like me / But he was just special effects
and CG / I’d give anything to see a kind smile / Please have
mercy on this poor pedophile / I’ve spent too much time being
pampered and rich / to spend the next fifteen years as my cellmate’s
bitch.”
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Anty,
Are You Okay?
 Michael
Jackson cover-band Alien Ant Farm narrowly escaped death in Spain
last month when their tour bus collided with a parked truck. The
accident occurred in the early morning hours of May 22nd while the
band members were asleep in their bunks. Singer Dryden Mitchell
sustained back injuries, guitarist Terry Corso broke his ankle,
bassist Tye Zamora injured his foot and drummer Mike Cosgrove suffered
minor cuts and bruises. The band’s X-Box video game system
was broken and their four-foot blue glass bong was spilled on the
plush carpeting. The band was rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment
and is expected to make a full recovery.
The
band’s manager, John Boyle, said “We’re all extremely
grateful the band is alright. We had a real scare there with Dry,
but the doctors say he’ll be fine in a few months. We’re
all really broken up about the X-Box and the lounge area smells
bad from the bongwater, but other than that, thank God, everything
is okay.” Boyle added “Oh yeah, the dude driving the
bus got killed. We are, like, condolent about that and stuff.”
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How
Can We Miss You If You Don't Go Away?
 With
the concurrent Summer release of Will Smith’s Sony Pictures
film “Men In Black II”, the DVD release of “Ali”
and his Columbia Records album “Born To Reign”, the
nation is finally ready to shake off the blues of the past year
and “Get jiggy wit’ it, Big Willy Style”, says
People Magazine celebrity editor Shannon O’Brian. “Let’s
face it, the last nine months have been a huge bummer for everyone.
I mean, I’m not taking anything away from all of the Heroes®
at Ground Zero® but it’s time to put the spotlight back
on the nation’s beloved celebrities. And who better to stand
in that spotlight than Will Smith?” said O’Brian. “We
should all do our patriotic part by buying Big Willy’s new
album and seeing Men In Black II. I can think of no better way to
stick it to the evil-doers!”
Media
expert Joel Shapiro expects an unprecedented level of Smith-related
media saturation. “The Summer of 1997 was nothing compared
to the Will Smith tidal wave we’re about the encounter.”
said Shapiro. “We should expect MTV and VH1 to air nearly
24-hour Smith videos and Smith-themed specials. Magazines such as
Time, Rolling Stone, Us, People and Newsweek will run at least one,
if not several cover stories on Smith. Of course, Access Hollywood,
Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight and Extra will be running
full Smith coverage all Summer long, not to mention the virtual
round-the-clock airplay of Smith’s singles on all Clear Channel
Top 40 stations.”
“This
is a great time to be alive,” says O’Brian “if
you’re as big a Will Smith fan as I am! This is going to be
a Smith-tacular Summer!”
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Code
Brown
 Bobby
Brown fans in Fredricksburg, Virginia were not disappointed when
the singer came to town last Tuesday his annual hospital visit.
“We weren’t sure if he was going to show up this year
because we hadn’t heard much about him.” said Brown
fan Charlotte Kirby “My girlfriend and I knew he usually checks
in around this time of year, so we started staking out the hospital.
Just when we were about to give up hope, here comes a big stretch
limo around the corner! We were so excited!”
When
asked about Brown’s admission, publicist Nancy Steltzer released
a statement to the press which read “Hi, I’m Nancy Steltzer.
You might remember me from such press releases as “Bobby Is
Suffering From Exhaustion” and “The Symptoms of Heat
Stroke Look A Lot Like Those of a Drug Overdose.” This year’s
visit is due to, let’s say, a mild infection. See you next
year!”
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Hear
That Rolling Sound?
 This
September, record buyers will be treated to “We’re A
Happy Family”, a superstar tribute to The Ramones. The tribute,
which is being co-produced by Ramones guitarist Johnny Ramone and
horror-rocker Rob Zombie will feature Ramones classics recorded
by such acts as Garbage, KISS, U2 and Metallica.
“Originally,
we were going to call the album “Rob Zombie Presents: The
Most Ironic Album Ever!” but we didn’t think most fans
would get it, so we stuck with the name we’ve got now.”
Zombie elaborated “Sure, The Ramones were a seminal act who
influenced countless millions of musicians and were not a huge selling
band and not terribly wealthy but we thought an album of Ramones
songs recorded by multimillionaires could really make us some more
money. Especially now that Dee-Dee’s dead, too.”
“KISS
were the last band to sign on to the project.” said Zombie
“Well, actually, it’s Tommy Thayer as Ace, Eric Singer
as Peter, Spiro Papadatos as Gene and the real Paul Stanley, so
I guess it’s technically KISS.”
The
bands participating plan to celebrate the album’s release
by sucking the marrow out of the decayed bones of Joey Ramone.
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