COV=DOA

Drowning Pool vocalist, Dave Williams was found dead in his tour bus last week. The band was on an Ozzfest tour stop in Manassas, Virginia. Unconfirmed reports point to “COV” or “Choked On Vomit” as the cause of death. Williams reportedly had been binge-drinking the night before his death. If true, Williams joins such luminaries as Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin drummer, John Bonham in the “RRCOVHOF” or “The Rock And Roll Choked on Vomit Hall of Fame.” “COV” is also responsible for the deaths of several fraternity binge drinkers each year.

Ironically, the majority of Drowning Pool’s fan base was comprised of binge-drinking fraternity members. Said Adam Rosenblatt of the Sigma Alpha Mu house at Georgetown University, “If you gotta go, that’s the best way to go! Except for maybe getting laid, probably. You’re from a website? Which one? Stile? That site is awesome! Wooooo! Dude! Joel!...”

By all accounts, Williams was one of the most well-liked musicians in the industry. Williams regularly stayed long after concerts to sign autographs and speak to fans of the band. His death is made all the more tragic by the fact that Eminem still roams the earth.

<Back to top>

Phish Phans! Phew!

Stock prices for the fragrance manufacturer, NationalPatchouli, Ass and Curry (NPAC) enjoyed record increases this week after the jam rock band Phish announced it would be playing several concerts at the end of this year. Analyst Linda White said of the jump, “NPAC’s stock hasn’t been this high since Jerry was alive.” Shares in the firm also showed a brief surge last month when it was announced the remaining members of the Grateful Dead would be playing together. “Those increases were nothing like what we saw this week, though.” said White, “We’ve seen a spurt in the imports sector, especially for those companies importing woven goods from Guatemala. Hacky Sacks Unlimited (HSUn) rose considerably and sandal manufacturer Birkenstock has reportedly stepped up production to meet the demand for footwear by followers of the band.”

The announcement hasn’t been all good news, says White, “Proctor & Gamble, the nation’s largest manufacturer of soap and cleaning products, has reportedly scaled back projected earnings for Q4. They’re taking a “wait and see” approach.”

<Back to top>

Kickstart My Face

Motley Crue vocalist Vince Neil is wanted by the Beverly Hills Police in connection with an alleged assault on a Hollywood record producer. The alleged assault took place on April 28th in a nightclub parking lot. Neil allegedly verbally taunted producer Michael Schuman, struck Schuman in the face several times and knocked him to the ground.

Neil’s management company, Steve’s Discount Liquors and Artist Management, issued a statement saying “Vince didn’t do anything. He wasn’t even there. That was totally, like, some other guy. It was probably that dude from Ratt or Sebastian Bach. Vince will be vinderated when this goes to trial.”

Schuman has reportedly been in hiding since the attack, ashamed to face the public after an alleged major ass-whipping by a drunken, bloated has-been, during which, according to one bystander, Schuman “Screamed like a girl and might have peed his pants.”

<Back to top>

Don't Forget Shatner

Former television actress Jennifer Love Hewitt is releasing an album this September entitled BareNaked. The album’s name doesn’t mean she’ll be nude on the cover, it means the actress/singer will be “more exposed than I’ve ever been, emotionally.” Hewitt said. She hopes to follow in the crossover footsteps of Jennifer Lopez, balancing a successful recording and acting career.

Lopez is “pretty much the only person to have done it successfully, really.” Hewitt said. “I hope to do better than Don Johnson, Bruce Willis, Eddie Murphy, John Stamos, The Olsen Twins, Tina Yothers, the kid from Courtship of Eddie’s Father, Robby Rist, Katey Segal, David Faustino, Brian Austin Green, Leonard Nimoy, Ricky Martin, Rick Springfield, Jack Wagner, Vicki Lawrence, Robert Mitchum, Regis Philbin, Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves…”

<Back to top>

How About "Tape, Not Rape"?

New York rapper Cam’ron was arrested late last month on drug and weapons charges. The rapper was pulled over for a traffic violation. When officers approached the car, they reportedly saw “marijuana in plain view” said a police spokesman. Upon searching the vehicle, officers turned up a .22 caliber pistol.

A spokesman for Cam’ron’s label said “What happened to Cam’ron was an important rite of passage in the hip-hop community. You see, we try to make sure each of our artists are arrested at least once by the time they release their second album. The arrests invariably increase the rappers visibility and add to his “street credibility”. In fact, we’ve begun a pilot program with the department of corrections where we’re building our own “Hip Hop Wings” on existing penitentiaries. This way, instead of pressing license plates or working in the cafeteria, our artists can continue to record and produce albums. We call it our “Stars Behind Bars” program. It’s a little known fact that 76% of the rappers on the Billboard Hot 100 charts are currently incarcerated. An unfortunate side effect, however, is that another 12% are dead.”

<Back to top>

- More News -