Good
Lookin' Out
 In
a press conference yesterday, hip hop impresario and entrepreneur
Russell Simmons (click photo at left) announced the formation
of The Office of Homeboy Security, a coalition of music industry
executives, artists and law enforcement officials dedicated to ensuring
the safety of the hip-hop community.
“While
we’ve been working on this for months, the recent passing
of our brother and friend, Jam Master Jay only strengthens our resolve
and refocuses our need for an organization of this type.”
Simmons said. “We believe The Office of Homeboy Security is
the
best answer to the escalating violence cutting short the lives of
hip-hop artists coast to coast.”
Similar
to the U.S. government’s Security Advisory System, the Office
of Homeboy Security has devised a color-coded warning system of
its own (click photo below). Like the Homeland Security’
s system, the Homeboy Security System uses five colors to designate
the threat level of gun violence against hip-hop artists and posse
members based on intelligence reports, loose talk in the clubs and
“recognization” (sic).
The
color-coded warning levels were explained as:
 Green
– Low – It’s All Good – No reported
threats against MCs, DJs, posse members or lower-level hangers-on.
Hip Hoppers are advised to carry on as normal.
Blue
– Guarded – Aiight – Conditions could
be favorable for a possible beat-down or severe disrespect. Hip
Hoppers advised to keep dey eyes pilled, yo.
Yellow
– Elevated – Watch Yo, Back, Yo – Beat-downs
and disrespect probable, gunplay possible. Hip Hoppers advised to
briskly move from crib to Escalade and to avoid stop lights and
award shows whenever possible.
Orange
– High – Niggaz Be Trippin’ – Credible
threats of gun violence have been recorded. Hip Hoppers advised
to travel outside the crib only when necessary. Body armor recommended.
Red
– Severe – Stay At Da Crib – Cap busting
is imminent. All Hip Hop personnel are advised to stock up on weed,
Cristal and X-Box sports games and just chill in da crib until further
notice.
<Back
to top>
Fat
is All That!
 Bowling
For Soup guitarist, Chris Van Malmsteen, is becoming a spokesman
for the morbidly obese whether he likes it or not. Recently nominated
for a Grammy, BFS has been touring the country extensively and has
appeared on several network television shows, including Jimmy Kimmel
Live.
“Thankfully
we’ve moved on to larger clubs” Said Malmsteen in a
recent interview, “A lot of small clubs were afraid to let
me play on their rickety stages for fear I would collapse them.”
Weighing in at over 450 pounds, Malmsteen is thought to be the most
obese rock star on the charts today. “Oh yeah” he said
“Up until now, rock and roll has been a thin dude’s
game. Even if you had a little beer gut, you were looked down upon
and ridiculed. The bass player for New Found Glory started to change
that when he started taking off his shirt in concert and in videos
and displaying his man-breasts proudly. He really blazed a trail
for the rest of us fat guys. I’m hoping to send a message
to morbidly obese musicians saying “You’re okay just
the way you are!””
When
asked if playing a strenuous set of high-intensity pop/punk was
a health risk, Malmsteen said “The type of music we play can
be tough on a guy my size, for sure. I come out jumping and running
around, but by the first chorus, I’m usually pretty winded
and have to finish the set sitting in a specially reinforced chair.
Before we could afford our own EMTs, I used to have at least two
minor heart attacks a show! Nowadays, when I feel that crushing
pain and numbness in my left arm, I know I better get on the oxygen
and tell the EMTs to warm up “Ol' Sparky”. That’s
what we call my defibrillator.”
<Back
to top>
Goldilocks
and the Three Gay Dancers
 MTV
News reports that Madonna plans to release a series of children’s
books. The singer has penned a five-book distribution deal with
publisher Penguin in the U.K. and Callaway Imprints in the U.S.
"As with everything she does, Madonna is once again going to
surprise, delight and lead the way," said Nicholas Callaway,
founder and publisher of Callaway Editions. "She has drawn
on a lifelong passion for and deep familiarity with literature and
children's books to create contemporary classics that combine great
storytelling with ravishing art."
The
first edition in the series, due in September of this year, will
be entitled “Bonnie, The Baby Bare Bear”. The book features
the adventures of a young, naked female bear that “cuddles”
with wealthy older bears in order to get “honey” and
viciously disembowels other female bears to protect it. Titles to
follow include “Charlie ChickenHawk And The Baby Birds”,
“ Frederick, The Fabulously Fierce Ferret” and “Lilly,
The Marginally Talented Lamb From Michigan Who Conquered The Entertainment
Industry With Her Lamb Mouth And Lamb Vagina”.
<Back
to top>
-
More News -
|
