Let’s Get It Off

The family of late R&B artist Marvin Gaye recently appealed to ASCAP and BMI to “de-license” Gaye’s hit “Let’s Get It On”. “When Marvin wrote the song, he meant it to be about intimacy between a man and a woman in love.” said family spokesman, Reggie Crenshaw. “It is nearly impossible to watch a television show or motion picture these days without hearing the song, but the true meaning is being perverted by advertising executives and Hollywood.” Crenshaw went on to cite examples of the song being used "inappropriately". Among them “a scene in a commercial between two children on a school bus, another commercial scene between an old man and a laxative, a commercial about an anthropomorphic oven and a bottle of oven cleaner, a scene between Rob Schneider and a goat…It’s just gotten out of hand.”

The Gaye Estate is calling for the song to be used only in scenes that depict or precede intimacy between two adult human beings between the ages of eighteen and fifty. “People don’t want to see old people or appliances making love. That’s not what Marvin was about.”

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Music Scene Writer Hated By Music Scene

Music writer Kevin Corning is despised by the very scene he is expected to cover. “I can’t think of a more thankless writing gig, to be honest.” said Corning at last Thursday’s Von Bondies show. Scanning the room for the nearest exits, Corning said “You watch. I’ll catch more than a few withering glances tonight and I’ll be lucky if I don’t get hit by a beer bottle. These band guys fucking hate me.” As if on cue, a plastic cup half filled with cheap draft sailed within inches of Corning’s head. “See what I mean?”

Corning began writing for Scottsdale’s “CityPaper”, a so-called “alternative weekly”, three years ago as a freelance music critic. “They liked my style. Then, when the regular critic left to write for Spin, they hired me on full-time. At first, I was excited. I’ve loved music since I was old enough to play records and I couldn’t think of anything better than writing about something I loved.” The blush was off the rose, however, shortly after the paper published the first batch of local music reviews from Corning. “The local band guys flipped the fuck out. I got hate mail, angry phone calls, my car got keyed, you name it. It was brutal.” Why the harsh reactions? “You’ll never believe this…” Corning says, scratching his head “…because I said one of the bands discs was derivative and lacked passion. That’s it. I was generally complimentary about the record; I simply suggested that they need some work.”

When asked about Corning’s review of local band Laser Show’s first release, frontman Chad Shroyer said “Corning doesn’t support the scene at all. He doesn’t know how much work it takes to put it out there on the stage on the weekend like we do. We’re up there two, sometimes, three times a month while he sits in his cushy office tearing us down. He’s an asshole who doesn’t know anything about creating music. It doesn’t bother me, though. I think it’s funny that he’s so bitter and jealous.”

“Shroyer was the one that keyed my car, actually.” said Corning when told of Shroyer’s comments. “I reviewed a show of theirs and made the mistake of saying they ‘phoned it in’. My Mazda paid the price for that review.” When asked if he’d ever written anything that didn’t make someone angry, Corning answered “No. Not about music anyway. Everything I ever write about the locals makes at least one person angry. They don’t want me to write anything the least bit negative or unflattering, but it’s my job to write honest reviews. Even when I write a positive review, the bands that didn’t get reviewed get mad. They get mad at things I say and things I don’t say. I can’t win.”

As a cry of “You suck, Corning!” rings out from the balcony, Corning excuses himself. “Look, I’ve got to get out of here. I’ve got to polish up my resume.”

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Under The Table And Sucking

Frat house hero Dave Matthews is reportedly both elated and nervous about the future. Sources claim that Matthews is pleased with the recent breakups of college "rock" powerhouses Phish and Creed, leaving Matthews at the top of the heap among the lucrative, hemp-necklaced, A&F set. However, Matthews is reportedly stunned by the sea-change on the soft-rock landscape. "If Phish can't succeed and Creed has to break up, what chance do I have? My music is neither melodically challenging like Phish nor plodding and preachy like Creed. I specialize in skittish pseudo world-beat music with mumbled nonsense lyrics. Can I fill the void left by those two bands?" Matthews said, according to one source. "What if I'm next to go? I need to get one of those tight t-shirts and a white belt."

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