Ushawhat?

R&B crooner Usher is enjoying his 18th week at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. The milestone is especially significant due to the fact that Usher is largely unknown to most adults. “I have no clue who he is.” Said mortgage broker Steven Heisel. “My niece probably does, though. She’s nine and loves all those rap guys. Usher’s a guy, right? Is he a rapper?”

LaFace spokesman Andre Bomerz views Usher’s achievement as a testament to the buying power of teens and so-called “tweens”. “According to our research, nearly 78% of all Usher records are purchased with allowance money.” Said Bomerz. The previous mark was 70% set by Britain’s Spice Girls in 1997.

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Lollapalosers

Popular Summer music festival Lollapalooza 2004 has been cancelled due to “poor ticket sales across the board”, according to the tour’s website. Lollapalooza founder, Perry Farrell expressed regret at the cancellation, saying “It breaks my heart that thirty obscure acts, virtually unknown to the concert-going public, cannot go out and shovel money into our coffers. Sure, no one’s ever heard of LeTigre, Basement Jaxx and The Von Bondies, but that shouldn’t keep them from coughing up $70.00 for a ticket after fees and taxes, $10.00 for parking, $14.00 for two 12 oz. bottles of water, $45.00 for a shirt, another $10.00 for some hummus and broiling in the hot sun, shoulder to shoulder with sweaty, tattooed Suicide Girls rejects and sallow hipsters in black socks who smell like hot cheese and Parliaments. Who wouldn’t want to do that?”

According to tour co-founder, Marc Geiger, poor ticket sales weren’t the only factor in the cancellation. “I blame Bush.” When asked to elaborate, Geiger stated “Um…Bush and Iraq. Fascists. Patriot Act. Ashfield. Oil. Downloading!”

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Can't Stop The Rock...This Week.

Rock supergroup Velvet Revolver, featuring three ex-members of Guns N Roses and the former singer of Stone Temple Pilots, topped the Billboard Top 200 Albums chart this week with their debut, entitled “Contraband”. VR’s chart-topping feat can be attributed to a combination of the band’s multi-platinum pedigree and the recent resurgence of rock on the charts. Also worth noting is the fact that there weren’t any hip-hop, teen-pop or movie soundtracks to spoil the achievement. “Oh, definitely. If Eminem or Missy Elliott had released an album even a month ago, VR wouldn’t have had a chance.” said industry insider Mark Klein. “It’s not so much a ‘return to rock’ as it is a ‘lack of hip-hop’. I’d tell these guys to enjoy it while it lasts because Jay-Z’s probably got a Greatest Hits package being shipped as we speak.”

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