Purple Alert

Funk legend Prince appeared on CBS’s The Early Show recently to discuss his new release Musicology and US foreign policy. “The world needs to come ‘number two gether’ under one groove of ‘number one ness’”, the diminutive singer told Early Show host, Harry Smith. “Obviously, the number thing works better in print, but ‘letter u’ ‘letter c’ what I’m getting at.” Prince went on to explain that “Bush is blinded by the fire of man’s appetites and he needs to ‘letter c’ that for all ‘number two’ ‘letter b’ ‘number two gether’, we need only look for the purple banana until they load us in the truck. Only then can we all be united, or ‘letter u nited’…wait, that’s the same thing, right? Forget that last one.”

When asked about the turnout on his Musicology tour, Prince said that every city he’s visited has been “under a Purple Alert, which means ‘letter u’ need to duct tape your ass and store bottled funk in your booty ‘number two’ protect against weapons of ‘nasty-struction.’”

The Early Show will be speaking to funk pioneer George Clinton on August 12th. Clinton will discuss his proposed “Ass/Mind Initiative” and the Defense Department’s recent cancellation of the three billion dollar “Bop Gun Project”.

<Back to top>

My Favorite DJ Is A Nerd!

At the recent “X-Fest”, an outdoor concert sponsored by Charlotte alternative radio station “99X”, music fan Josh Mayer was disappointed to learn that his favorite DJs were actually middle-aged nerds.

“The X was broadcasting live, so I wanted to go to the booth and see if I could get them to play “Been Caught Stealin’”, said Mayer. “I heard Greg ‘RoadDog’ Rhodes’ voice coming out of the speakers by the booth, but as I got closer, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had pictured RoadDog as, like, this twenty-five year-old dude with tatts and piercings and shit, but he was at least forty. And he was all bald and fat. He looked like some D&D nerd, not some rock guy. What a letdown.”

“We get that a lot.” said Rhodes. “These kids seem so disappointed when they meet me. Hell, when they meet any of us! Our PD used to play clarinet in the marching band. Our promotions director looks almost exactly like Professor Frink. Our drive-time guy is 47 and used to be “The Monster” on the classic rock station in town. We’re all a bunch of dorks. I don’t know what these kids expect, really. If they knew how much we make they’d understand why nobody in their right mind would want to do this. Sure, the freebies are nice, but I’d trade all the discs and concert tickets to be able to afford a place with central air.”

<Back to top>

Money Changes Everything

“My rap sheet matches Courtney Love’s almost exactly. The ‘Disorderly Conduct’s, the ‘Assault’s, the ‘Possession’s. They’re all there. The only difference is I’m doing fifteen to twenty in the Lafayette Women’s Correctional Facility with a chance for parole in 2016. Such is life for RaeJean Pruitt, a single mother of one. By pure coincidence, Pruitt has racked up a list of criminal charges almost identical to that of the troubled rocker. The similarities don’t end there, either. Both are bottle-blondes. Both are prone to fits of delusional jabbering. Both are quick to anger and lash out. Both have lost custody of their children. “Chase is with my sister now. They said I was an unfit mother after I missed my last two court dates. My attorney wanted to get me into a treatment facility like Courtney does, but they wouldn’t allow Medicaid. Since I couldn’t afford to get into a program, I went straight to jail.”

“I guess it’s all about how much money you have. I’m on government assistance and my criminal record is identical to Courtney’s but I’m in here for the next 10 years…hopefully…and she’s out in the world.” said Pruitt. “My cellmate’s common-law has a record just like the guy from Stone Temple Pilots. Guess where he is…Yep, twenty-five to life. We shoulda learned to play guitar or something. Or at least not done so much meth.”

<Back to top>

- More News -