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TRIBUET CONCERT PLANNED -
Like
the swallows returning to Capistrano, when a recording artist dies
or disaster occurs, you can count on local band dudes to fall all
over themselves in a rush to organize a "TRIBUET CONCERT"
to the fallen artist or to benefit the victims of
the disaster.
It
all begins on the yokel band message boards...
11:06 PM - OMG D00DZ THAT GUY FROM FALL WEEPS GENTLY DEID!!.
11:07 PM - OMG IM SO BUMMED OUT I"M ORGANIZIGN A FALL WEPS
GENTLY TRIBUET CONCERT TO BENIFIT BATTRED MOTHERS AGIANST AIDS HOEMLESS
11:08 - CUONT US IN DUDE
11:08 - BATTLEFAGS R IN!
11:08 – IN UR MOM!!
11:09 - NOOO! WEN DID TIHS HAPPEN?! P.S. I'M THERE.
11:09 - WEV GOT A SHOW TAHT NITE BUT WELL CUM LATER!! RIP DUDE
FROM FWG!
11:09 – I CUMMED ON MYSLEF!! LOL!!!
And
so on.
These
"concerts" are staged roughly twelve to fifteen times
annually, depending on the year's body/disaster count. They consist
of ten to twelve yokel bands performing covers of that week's dead
artist’s songs. Ostensibly, all proceeds are to be donated
to some feel-good charity like Musicians Against Pet Rape or Free
Scott Weiland. Since all of the band members, their friends, their
weed dealers and their girlfriends are on “the guest list”,
these shows usually net between fifteen and twenty dollars for the
charity.
At
the show, amid the jokes, the din of the bands, the laughs and yelling,
a casual observer might say “Gee, this doesn’t seem
very somber. This just seems like a regular night out.” But
that casual observer would be wrong.
You
see, band dudes deal with grief differently than other people. A
band dude may grieve by joking loudly, not listening to the other
bands, laughing and/or gesticulating wildly. He may also become
very drunk and vomit on himself or lose control of his bladder.
He may become agitated and strike a fellow band dude or his own
girlfriend because they didn’t save any “grieving powder”
for him. Do not judge this man. Let the man grieve in his own way.
If
you see a woman screaming with her shirt up over her head or administering
oral sex in the bathroom or kissing another girl or vomiting, remind
yourself that this woman is crying on the inside.
These
TRIBEUT shows serve two important functions for band dudes:
1.
They allow the band dude to appear deeply concerned committed to
whatever charity the event supposedly benefits. In the days preceeding
the show, he can pontificate at length on the message boards about
the injustice of pet rape or how "THE FACSITS ARE KEEPING WIELAND
DOWN WITH THER DARCONIAN DRUG LAWS!!" This lip service is important
because a band dude can’t actually donate money to the cause
because he doesn’t HAVE any money. More importantly, if he
was especially productive at the plasma center that week and was
able to donate, no one would be able to see him doing it, thereby
rendering his philanthropy pointless. He is also unable to volunteer
his time to the cause. Volunteering requires a great deal of effort,
usually starts too early in the morning and again, unless he were
volunteering at the Free Clinic, none of his peers would see him
doing it.
By
performing at a TRIBUET show, the band d00d is able to be conspicuously
philanthropic and socially conscious in front of people, where it
is most effective. He is able to show all in attendance that he
is, in fact, deeply saddened by the loss of such a great artist
or that he is concerned with the plight of those people that have
those diseases or stuff happened to.
2.
They allow band d00ds an opportunity to flex their acting muscles.
Since these are ostensibly somber affairs, dudes are given ample
opportunity to chew the scenery onstage with pained expressions
and heart-wrenching monologues about the dead guy whose album he
borrowed the day before the show to learn the song that wasn't a
hit.
To
wit:
Band
Dude - “You know, people…I was going through a real
tough time in my life…” [gaze skyward and squint]
Audience - “WOOOOOOO!”
Band Dude - “…and there was one thing that always
helped me through…” [bite lower lip and stare
intently to the left]
Audience - “WOOOOOOO!”
Band
Dude - [emphatic pause]
Band Dude - “…one thing that helped me see…that
there was a way out…” [lower head and wipe sweat
(tears?) away from eyes]
Audience - “WOOOOOOO!”
Band Dude - “…and that thing was this song…ONE
TWO THREE FOUR!!…”
So,
the next time some sad emo-guy, legendary country artist or smack-addicted
rocker dies, overdoses or stabs himself in the neck, keep an eye
out for the inevitable TRIBEUT CONCERT in your area featuring your
own yokel rock stars. They are the most blatantly craven attention
whores on the planet and would shamelessly fuck the dried husks
of the deceased if they thought it would bring them some publicity.
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