It’s
called “The Barrel”, as in “It’s your
turn in the barrel.” Each week, the RRC
Forum will do what it does best: Unload on one of the countless
millions of craptacular bands out there. After they’ve had
their fill, we’ll post the highlights for you here. Horrible,
bitter people making fun of talentless, deluded idiots. Ain’t
that America?
Who’s
in The Barrel this week?
Band:
The PrimadonnaZ
Hometown: Philadelphia, PA
Genre: “Glam” Rock (meaning a lot of make-up,
hot pink and pouting.)
Every
city’s got that part of town. It’s a little run-down
and unsafe. You head down there when you need scented candles, bong-screens
or vinyl and you worry about your car the whole time. Your visit
is an olfactory orgy of urine, rotten-apple-sweet-sour beer sludge
and patchouli oil. The area is populated mainly by old hippies,
new hipsters and jolly lesbians. And, while you’re there,
you’ll most likely encounter several instances of…This
Guy …
He’s
been 38 since 2002. He’s pale and covered with bad, hard-to-decipher
tattoos. He and his photographer girlfriend painstakingly dye his
teased and thinning hair some primary color. He’s a little
too doughy for a sleeveless shirt and a lot too doughy for those
fishnet stockings.
Remember
how shocked you were when you first saw him? How he shook up your
button-down suburban world and tore apart your preconceived notions
of gender roles and sexuality? … You don’t? ... He didn’t?
… Well, don’t tell him that. In his mind, he’s
a seventeen year-old street-walkin’ cheetah out to rock the
world while he’s high on pills and getting his dick sucked
by Marc Bolan and Ultra Violet. People stop and gawk at his audacity
as he struts. They shield their childrens' eyes from his smoldering
gaze. The women all want him and the men all hate him because the
women want him. He's pure sex in leather.
Meanwhile,
back on Planet NotDelusional, he’s a tired caricature. An
old cliché as shocking in today’s reality TV world
as Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. He’d be just another pitiable
anachronism if he wasn’t such an asshole.
And
he’s in a band. Shocker.
Well,
here’s one of a million versions of “that guy”
and here’s one of a million versions of his awful band. Smell
the desperation...
Forum
member Jackassrock had this to say:
About
three or four times a week a band comes along that answers the musical
question, Who needs to Fuckin'
Quit, Seriously ? The
Primadonnaz, Philly's most irrelevant rockers, are one of those
bands. Checking out their bios...
"
Mikey, known for over the top outfits, leading a crowd into frenzy,
and his "one of a kind" lead vocals, is the living definition
of the term superstar.
Dan
Parsels, His emotional style and incredible hooks are a huge part
of The Primadonnaz' innovative sound.
Drummer,
Bobby Alucard, has made a lasting impression on the Philadelphia
scene with his previous Kiss cover band Deuce.
Next,
on bass, is the laid back Rikki Seven. He makes no apologies for
being a Primadonna and his fascination for the seven deadliest sins."
I was struck with the notion that this was a band to be seen and
not heard. Unfortunately one look at their photo page proved my
theory completely wrong.
Forum
bandit William James says
They
suck with surgical precision.
Forum
swashbuckler, chopinzghost, without aid of capitalization,
says
i've
done some really foolish things in my life - i've looked like a
total kneebiter on more than one occasion. but in comparison to
one of those band pics, i'd say the 10 most embarrassing moments
in my life seem like a walk in the park.
The
forum's resident gay negro from outer space, Hankthemailman,
wrote
Nikki
Seven???
They
blended the Ramones, Motley Crue, LA Guns and this guy (himself
a blend of Bono and Elvira Lewinsky)
and for what? To sell out shows "at New York City's CBGS"
- didn't we cover this old smoke n' mirrors gag?
Am
I disappointed by these guys? No. I'm pleased. Pleased that my theories
about Philadelphia still being lamer than Baltimore stand firm in
2005.
Bold
New Years prediction: Mikey Primadonna will hijack Philadelphia's
inner city youth subculture and hold it hostage until they slowly
put down the Usher and start "expressing the joys, tragedies,
and wet dreams that American teens" should - Primadonna style!
Niggaz'll dig it!
Forum
cowboy iaingillis said
A
quote from the band's last journal entry:
"whens the next show u ask??? well boys and girls never fear!!!
the next wild party w/ us is the night one of the most talented
and controversial artists of all time grace the stage of the ELECTRIC
FACTORY "MARILYN MANSON"!!! we will be playin a bar just
around the corner which is actually attached to the same building
called "WHISKEY DIX" about 15 mins after MANSON is finished...
so come and check out the show!!!"
You know that you have made it as a band when you get the opportunity
to play around the corner from Marilyn Manson! That's almost as
good as going into a public washroom while Tracii Guns is taking
a dump in the stall next to you. Brush with greatness!
This
fella represents everything that is "glam-rock": the make-up,
the wild fashions, the Twinkies, the Ho-Hos, the beef jerky, the
"meat sweats"..
 .
From Mikey Primadonna's bio:
"His lyrics often describe the horrors of love.."
I'm pretty sure that when you look up "horrors of love"
in Webster's, this picture is there:
Forum
Admiral, mohillic, said
The
Site:
general
site layout is ghey and not appealing. you don't even know where
the links are till you happen to hover over the stars.
lame
bio section, photo section, shows pages lacks updates, journal?
just write your bullshit in the news section dumbass. merch? none
worth mentioning.
The
Music:
um,
where is it?
overall
i give the site a negative infinity out of 100, it should be deleted
from the internet and they should be deleted from the earth.
TammyHagar
purred the following
Oh,
where to begin. The mad geocities skillz-style website? The "look"
of the band? I mean seriously, did they gather 'round the old rehearsal
space one night (read: Mikey's mom's basement) and think "Rainbow
Brite gets eaten by a goth pedophile" was a good theme? And
can someone please tell me why all the pushing-40 rockers out there
think that vinyl pants will somehow mask their man-guts... "Gee,
maybe the glare will distract everyone from my beer belly".
I
think the saddest thing about this band is that there's no actual
music up on their site. Like maybe they thought their WYKKID
AEWSOME hair stylez and the fact that they played in the general
proximity of Marilyn Manson would impress people enough to get them
out their shows.
All
of that being said I hope that when I'm on the bad side of 40 and
have to tuck my besprayed mullet up into a hairnet during the day
that I'll still have the drive, ambition and sheer delusion as these
douches.
Finally,
genereaux drops a LOLbomb.
Single-handedly
keeping the 'mesh clothing' industry afloat in these tasteful times,
the Primadonnaz are taking the nation by storm. Perhaps less a storm
than, say, a drizzle (or light fog) and maybe not the nation so
much as 30 block pocket of Philly.
That
aside, the Primadonnaz have given the Glam genre the one thing that's
been missing since the spiders from mars banged a gong. The answer
to the long standing question- What If Meatloaf and Blackie Lawless
had a love-child? The answer stands (or staggers) center-stage at
every Primadonnaz show in the form of frontman Mikey Primadonna.
A vapid, yet eerie, look into the future for Cheesfries (after 5
stomach staplings and unfortunate encounter with a Mary Kay convention).
A
brief walk through the website offers a glimpse into the musical
genius that is the Primadonnaz. The website interfaces like a broken
'Speak and Say', only without the syntax. What little you CAN learn
about Philly's latest offering to a dead genre, should be enough
to keep any reasonable person out of the same building as any member
of the band- As Marylin Manson can tell you.
The best thing to be said about the website (though not the band)
is that it WON'T subject you to their music. Through the bios and
links, one can easily infer the wounded cat cacophony that their
'fans' are subjected to every thursday at Stucky's, from 8-9:30,
just before the karoke guy starts.
Yes
Bobby, the world needs the Primadonnaz like it needs ANOTHER KISS
tribute band. But remember, Dans GC discount is only good for drum
sticks- Don't quit your day job at the drug store cosmetics counter
just yet, you've got TWO bands to keep looking 'pretty'.
And
I'm certain that everyone will join me as we wish good luck to Rikki
Seven as he joins forces with John Five (Manson) and Johnny 5 (lame
movie robot) to start a Hendrix tribute band called "If 60's
were 90's".
See
you next week when another band gets their turn in The Barrel.
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