There
are several things that can make a terrible local band marginally
less terrible. Practice, sure. Talent, absolutely. Lighting rig
collapses and electrical fires can spice up a dull local show as
well, but the chances of a local band being crushed, immolated or
talented are so immeasurably small as to be insignificant. No, the
simplest and most common way for a terrible band to be marginally
less terrible is to get a hot chick in the band.
Everybody
loves a hot chick, even other hot chicks. In fact, if late night
infomercials are to be believed, hot chicks really love other
hot chicks. Dudes love hot chicks, too. Put a hot chick in your
band and you will see attendance to your shows skyrocket. Swinging
dicks will come out in droves just to ogle the hot chick. Other
hot chicks will come out in droves just to ogle the swinging dicks.
More swinging dicks will come out in droves just to ogle the hot
chicks ogling the swinging dicks ogling the hot chick. So goes the
circle of life and it all begins when you put a hot chick in your
band.
Hot
chicks are found most often in the following band positions: Bass
player (of course), keyboard player (naturally), and the most common
of hot chick band positions, lead singer. Hot chick singers are
almost always awful. However, just as no one was willing to tell
the emperor his wang was hanging out, no one is willing to tell
a hot chick singer she is awful. Everyone ignores her tuneless,
thin and reedy wailing because she wears the stage-wear equivalent
of “Hot Chick Halloween Costumes” (You know the ones.
Hot chicks will dress as anything on Halloween, as long as it’s
sexy. “Hot Nurse”, “Sexy Pirate”, “Naughty
Tsunami Victim”, “Ribald Supreme Court Justice”)
Ample cleavage, short skirts and electrical tape over the nipples
are all staples of the hot chick singer wardrobe.
So
what happens when a terrible, albeit hot chick singer is never made
aware of her limited talent? She starts to believe that she is a
gifted artist, that’s what. She might even decide it is a
good idea to play flute in the band or to name the band after the
color of her pubic hair.
But
no one could be that delusional, right? Wrong.
Band:
Firebox
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Genre: "Rock"
Forum
member Voice of Reason had this to say:
This
line from the bio says more than I ever could.
Lory Lacy is a unique flutist, whose training in classical and
jazz has led her to explore the boundaries of her instrument beyond
its accepted role in music.
UncleRob
said from beyond the grave:
FYVM,
aka Firebox (figure that one out), at their best are a pedestrian
riff band with the misdirected ambitions of being a pedestrian prog
band. The singer, Lory Lacey is bloody painful to listen to with
her low-rent Robert Plant wailing, plus she is thrown up so aggressively
in the mix, her performance has all the subtleties of a slap on
the nuts. Then the flute comes in…do I really need to go on
here? Out of the three discs I was sent, I’ll probably hold
on to this one…it makes me laugh.
iangillis
takes a scientific approach
The Website: Gets an A for effort, and about a D- for execution.
This website would have been really cool back in 1994. Actually,
maybe not.
The
Bio: Her jazz quartet was featured live on CNBC’s “Power
Lunch”.
If
this isn't "making it", I don't know what the fuck is.
The new incarnation named Firebox performs a four hour set which
required digging deep into the work of their hero's (Zeppelin, G'n'R,
Van Halen, etc.).
Four
hours of a glorified cover band? I doubt that the average Guns 'n'
Roses, Van Halen cover loving audience would be able to take four
hours out of their busy schedules to even catch a show by these
douches. I mean, come on now, that 1985 IROC-Z Camaro is not going
to restore itself now, is it?
The resulting 40+ shows, dozens of rehearsals, and countless
jam sessions, in less than 7 months have sharpened the band's performing
and writing skills to a quality fit for a Samurai.
Umm,
what? If a samurai ever needed a soundtrack to commit ritual seppuku
by, maybe he'd listen to these guys.
The
"Look": Whenever
I think about rock and roll, this is the image that comes to mind.
Or
not.
The
Gig List: Where can you catch the powerfully honest hard rock
stylings of Firefox, live and in person? Well, how do these rockin'
venues grab ya, hoss?
Jerry's
Bait Shop, Lenexa, KS
John's Big Deck, Kansas City, MO
Helen's Hilltop, Tonganoxie, KS
11th Annual Mule Run, Kearney, MO
I'm
hearing through the grapevine that this year's Mule Run is going
to be the best yet. Watch out for tornadoes.
slapguts
is wowed
Ok,
now I'm impressed.
Forum
flamer Uck says
The new incarnation named Firebox performs a four hour set
Best
conservative guess says 30-35% of this time is spent soloing.
Zeppelin, G'n'R, Van Halen, etc.
So
which one of them got the fancy acapella coda? And who insisted
on playing Sweet Child O' Mine in reggae time? (No, I haven't actually
heard it but, somehow, I know that it's there)
payback
makes a point
Am
I the only guy who's noticed that this band is named after their
flute player's cooter?
mohillic
says
Browsing
through the shows page quickly confirmed my earlier statement that
this band only knows how to rock in places with big screen tv's
and lots of sports memorabilia, mainly nascar.
I
could go on but I think at this point the only summary that could
be appropriate is:
If
you ever see this band playing near your town, please alert the
local fire marshal because when these guys unleash the rock, mullets
everywhere will spontaneously combust.
Puzzleface
observes
I'm
guessing it is no mistake that every picture of the 'Les Paul' has
either been blurred or cropped to hide the Epiphone logo.
Yermom
makes a visual statement thusly
Mr.Meek
is also a man of few words this week
Voice
of Reason takes another shot
This
is what happens when guys agree to back up a hot but untalented
chick, just hoping it leads to a little bedroom olympics.
Dudes,
just feed her drinks take away the microphone.
Finally,
TammyHager wraps things up nicely
Every flute player, (especially
those with a penchant to dress in black and paint on their eyebrows),
thinks that they can be The One. The One who will bring flauting
back from the depths to which Jethro Tull dragged it. The One who
will come up with that kick ass flute riff that will erase all connotations
of the utter gheyness that is playing the flute.
Lory Lacy, you are not The One. There will never
be The One. It's the fucking flute.
And
by the way? While your attempts at hitting notes don't go unnoticed,
your utter resistance to achieve them doesn't either.
See
you next week when another band gets their turn in The Barrel. |
