We
are all familiar with the natural habitat of the American Band Dude
(Attentionus Whoreus): O’Guzzlie’s Tavern & Fried
Appetizery, just off the highway, nestled in a suburban strip-mall
between Mail Boxes Etc. and the Dress Barn. Festooned with garish
giveaway gewgaws from beverage distributors and smelling of smoke,
hot wings and vinegar, the local watering hole is an institution.
In the corner of the bar stands a ten by eight foot plywood platform.
This is where the magic happens. Towering six inches above the linoleum
dance floor, local bands ply their electrified trade every weekend
night amidst the din of televised sports and shrieking drunkards.
This ritual of rocking and, in turn, being rocked, is as familiar
to most as birthday parties, holiday meals and Breathalyzer tests.
There is a path
to stardom, however, that never travels through NASCAR-themed taverns
and kitschy hipster dives. This path pauses briefly at the Arby’s,
turns left into the WalMart lot and parks in the bedrooms of every
prepubescent Tween in the country. This is the path of the Popstar.
The modern-day
Popstar, as we know it, was invented in 1986 in Orlando, Florida
by divorced former Homecoming queens who never reached the end of
their personal rainbows due to unplanned pregnancies and barely
functional literacy. They nurtured the fruits of their post-prom
shame into cloying, precocious and disturbingly sexualized miniature
adults. They trotted out their Justins and Britneys at parties,
trade-shows, beauty pageants and auditions. Lots and lot of auditions.
By the time these Stepford moppets had reached puberty, a scrappy
group of toughs from the mean streets of South Boston had taken
the world by storm. New Kids On The Block took the Popstar game
out of the amusement parks and bedrooms of pedophiles and into the
international spotlight. The modern-day Popstar was born.
Popstars
are bred, tended to like tanned Bansai trees and pollinated with
equal measures of adulation and abuse to ensure a steady crop of
money upon fruition. What sort of person eschews the traditional,
barroom path to stardom, opting instead to become a vapid fad-hopping
commodity? Someone who really doesn’t like music all that
much. Someone who values aesthetics over substance. Someone who
craves celebrity more than credibility. Someone devoid of integrity,
honesty, talent and the need for artistic expression. Someone like
Kansas City’s Jason “Star”.
Band:
Jason Star
Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Genre: Pop
AgentA
sez ...
From
Star's Bio:
The Crew21 Story would have been released straight to DVD and sold
online.
As
opposed to the 21 week box office run they had planned?
Jason
Star contacted the filmmakers through his management and informed
them he would not allow them to interview him for the DVD. It wasn’t
much of a surprise because Jason rarely grants interviews at all.
This kid is such a fucking rock star that he won't do an interview
for his own DVD about his own gay band?
hankthemailman
delivers
He
has made his vain hopes and dreams the stuff of public display.
It goes against everything I've been raised to believe a man should
be.
If
I was driving by his photo shoot I wouldn't run him over. I would
merely pull over and wait until I could get a chance to speak with
him in private and introduce myself as hankthea&rguyfromvirginrecords.
I would lure him into my car and we would drive down to the ol'
bungalow tree. Upon arrival I would sell Jason to Ziggy the Unscrupulous
Drifter for some loose change. Call me heartless, but it's how I
make a living. Jason will end up happier being passed around by
zany and grubby hobos, anyway.
themidasdouche
gushes
You KNOW you're hot sh*t if your
management team has one of those fancy yahoo email accounts!
Green657
further elaborates
..and
that your management team consists solely of you, your roomates,
and your pet.
TheExploited
says to us, he says
Saturday 20th of November 2004
It has come to the attention of certain members of Jason's management
team, Team JS, that there are at least two negative message boards
with topics related to Jason Star and members of Crew21.
Better
make it three.
Jason Star Fans Bombard Negative Message Boards. The fans of
Jason Star in the past few days have bombarded the two message boards
that are making negative posts about Jason Star and his music. Their
feedback has been enormous. Many of Jason's fans feel like these
two message boards are nothing but propaganda.
And
his site is about as onesided as Fox News
One of Jason Star's advisors, Clark Thomas was forced to reply
on one of the message boards
personally when someone on the board pretended to be Jason Star
by creating posts
under his name.
I'll
be impressed only when the python is set loose to rain hell on RRC.
VoiceOfReason
spake thusly
I don't blame the kid as much as
his "management team". It's one thing for a kid to get
a big head over a "name" (Michael Damien lol) throwing
an empty compliment out there, but an adult should see through it...or
even worse, run with it baby !!! Oh, the cold hard slap of reality
is going to sting that kid worse than a wet towel to the face.
hankthemailman
rings twice
From
Clark Thomas's The Pabst Stays in the Pitcher: Management Advice
for Tomorrow's Starz p.34 - "Oy. Bubby. It's the singer, not
the song. Can the schmaltz, kid, or I'll see to it you never get
a gig in Kansas City again. You're dead to me. My own son. O Mammy!"
We
might be lending too much credibility to the non-phenomena that
is Clark Thomas.
%
chance that 'Clark Thomas, critical thinker and key advisor to Jason
Star's managerial team' doesn't exist: 85%.
%
chance of wholly unknown "singers" (or something, we might
be witnessing the colosal flop of a standup comedy act for all I
know) that require a management team generating enough interest
in plying dollar one from the billfold of someone who is not from
Star's family or inner circle of mercy: 0%.
hurtchow
brings the pain
Oh
my god.
I'm
watching the video for rock on...
*
The shot where he's got the mic, and there is that blonde kid and
the 8th grader in the red shirt... They're just standing there,
I think their hands are in their pockets.
*
The "performance shot" with the "lighting techniques"
and the "energy."
*
[left] hey [right] kids, rock and roll!
*
I've seen heart wipe, snafu wipe (vertical and horizontal), star
wipe.
*
I love it when he jumps up from the bottom of the screen.
*
I don't understand the storyline involving the hot blonde. I don't
understand the yellow car in the airport runway either.
I
showed my female friend the video for Rock On, as well as the news
section of his website, and she says to me:
"Why
do you believe everything you see on the Internet?"
Scranus
squeals
I'm not even attempting to compose some incisive and clever rip...just
look at this cumdumpster.
If
he's not busy on Wednesday though...
Mr.Meek
mumbles
His
deft skill as a musician is evidenced by his intent stare at the
fretboard of his Korean Strat copy. His back is bent with the burdens
of such musical awesomeosity, his fingers trembling with the power,
the body of the guitar angles sharply into his stomach, forcing
the notes from his soul.
...or
the photographer just said "Hey kid, hold this, it'll make
you look like Jimi Hi...Eric Cla...Jimmy Pa...uh, John Mayer."
The Crisco frosting in his hair, the pseudo-sultry mongoloid gaze,
the variety of seafaring animals that died to make his jewelry --
these do not a star make.
However,
according to his "producer" Adam Blue, using random nouns
for surnames equals the high road to metropolitan superstardom.
iangillis
insinuates
the names "Jason Star"
and "Adam Blue" (the Miyagi to Jason's Karate Kid) have
a decidely gay porno movie feel to them. Take from that what you
will.
Cradle
Of Milf lectures
Take
a look at his photo gallery of Crew 21 and the chunkettes, to his
artistic innovation trying to search for the elusive Q minor chord
on the guitar. This metamorphoses from being the token retard with
his fat parents at a DC Talk concert, to the token retard catching
a Nick Carter solo show with his fat sister rival the changes David
Bowie has undergone through out the decades.
Ermghoti
felns
The
site also makes much of Jason's biggest celebrity fan, Micheal Damien.
That's right, the Micheal Damien! I will save you the time of Googling
Micheal Damien, as it turns out he is a soap opera actor with his
own pretend music career. Naturally, like everybody else besides
JS, I had no idea who the fuck he was, which is usually not the
response one goes for in a celebrity endorsement. There is also
favorable press from Sean Altman, some faceless drone that practices
in his apartment and is selling all his gear.
Particularly
comical is the site's claim that JS has a policy of not granting
interviews. This is similar to my policy of not dating Maria Sharapova.
That's right Jason, the phone sits there silently because the media
know you are not going to make a statement, not because nobody would
step on the brake if you walked in front of their car.
Chairman
B presented
I must admit, I'm baffled. Why Michael
Damian? If you're going to pick a career trajectory to emulate,
why choose one that falls well short of the contrails left by Rick
Springfield or even Jack Wagner? Hell, why not even role-model a
REAL has-been, one-hit-wonder rock star instead of a PRETEND, has-been,
one-hit-wonder rock star? It's not like parking spaces are hard
to come by at ANY U.S. chapter of the David Essex fan club. And,
I'm sure Zager and Evans wouldn't mind a little sycophancy.
Pratt
takes us home
...
fuck Jason Star in the eye with his gay dad's dick. That dude is
awful.
Special Thanks to Uck for editing
this clusterfuck.
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